Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Christmas Wish...

Merry Christmas to all of you out there…

I hope that the holidays bring you joy and whatever it is that you want most out of life.

I know that as times changes, the things that you think that you need change as well. Like when you’re a kid and the MOST important thing in the world is whether or not you get that special toy from Santa underneath the tree and you think that you’ll just DIE if you don’t get it. Or when you get a little bit older and you are certain that THE MOST important thing in the world is whether or not the designer jeans that you are certain will knock Johnny’s socks off are wrapped up somewhere just waiting for you to open them.

Now that you’re older, you understand that there are more important things to your life.

For me, I’ve personally already got all that I could ever want or ask for. And it’s not even Christmas yet – how lucky am I?!?! I’ve got a daughter that is the best thing that ever happened to me, she makes me a better person. I’ve got a family that is all relatively healthy and who loves me. And most importantly, I’ve got a man in my life that sees me for me, one who sees the real Sandy underneath all of the other stuff and loves me for who I am. A man who constantly strives to show me that love in a million little ways each and every day, along with some big ways every once in a while! (Yes, I’m looking at the ring finger on my left hand, babe!)

I really could not ask for more. It would be selfish.

So to all of my loved ones out there…I hope that you have all that you wish for this holiday season. I hope that you sing some Christmas carols, drive around and enjoy the Christmas lights, and enjoy the time that you have with your own loved ones. For all those that I won’t be able to personally see, take this as my hug and I’ll give you one in person the next time that I do see you…

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Have a VERY Stressful Christmas...

(If you hum the title to the tune of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" it works REALLY well!)

As most of you know, my company is transferring to a new software program on January 1st, and I’m having a heck of a time keeping up with it all. It’s good that all of my hard work and all over the last 7 months is coming to fruition, but at the same time, I’m just not prepared!

I’m stressed out to the max, and feel like there are times that I might be going crazy! Short trip, believe me I know! And I know that I’m driving my loved ones crazy right along with me. That’s taking the whole misery loves company a little to the extreme, right?

Luckily, I haven’t had my daughter since Monday, so she’s been safe out of harm’s way. But my poor fiancé. I think that he just doesn’t know what to do with me. He’s only got two options…
1.) Stay out of my way
2.) Offer to help
And to be perfectly honest here, neither one is really a great choice. He’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If he stays out of my way, I feel his absence and notice it. And all of the little bickering that’s been going on due to my increased stressed level will only escalate because of it. Yes, yes – I’m super sensitive right now about a lot of things. Hopefully this will all ease once the program launch happens and my involvement can taper off a little bit.

If he offers to help, that could be even worse for him. I could take him up on the offer and drive him crazy along with me trying to transfer the knowledge that’s stuck inside my head to his head so that he CAN help me with things. And that might make him go nuts as well…

But maybe there’s a third option…
3.) Hunker down and ride out the storm

Yeah, that one might work best! Have any of you ever driven your loved one nuts due to stress? Surely I can’t be the only one…I just need someone to tell me that once this is over, it will all go back to normal…

Monday, December 22, 2008

To move...or not to move

I’ve been having this conversation with several of you for several days now. Who out there still looks for, and maybe needs, their parents’ approval?

I like to think that I’m a big girl, that I’ve moved past that point in my life where I need mom and dad’s nod of approval on things. But I’m afraid that deep down I really haven’t. I want their acceptance of me and mine and what decisions that I make with my life. Is that abnormal? Am I past the age where that should matter?

I’ve been wrestling with trying to figure out whether to move in or not move in with my fiancé. We both have kids, although neither child is with us 100% of the time. My daughter is 6, and she’s with us ½ of the time, and his son who is 10 (almost 11) is with us every other weekend. Luckily, our weekends to have our kids matches and most of the time, we spend the weekend over at my fiance’s house. (I still live in an apartment, and although it is a spacious 2 bedroom, an apartment is still an apartment. And with two rambunctious kiddos, it’s a TINY apartment!) So that being the trend, and for financial purposes to save $ for the wedding, my daughter and I are moving in with my fiancé at the end of my lease. I’m not going to break my lease early or anything, but when it expires, we will move in with him.

And I struggle with this. I think that I’m only struggling with it because I know that at least one parent won’t approve. But I’ve asked myself time and again if I struggle because of that or because I struggle with myself on it. If I am the one with a problem with it, and I’m trying to pass off the blame on my parents.

Do I think that this sets a bad example for my daughter? To be perfectly honest, I don’t know. Or I should say that I didn’t know. I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching to find the answer that lies within me. And here’s what I came up with:

My main concern is that I don’t want her to grow up and think that it’s ok to just move in with a guy. I want her to understand that there needs to be a deeper commitment level before such a step is taken. Do I think that commitment level needs to be marriage? No, honestly I don’t. I always said that if I had had the opportunity to live with my first husband before we were married, that I would never have married him. And I stand by that statement, even after 13 years have passed. Living together would have stopped me from making that mistake, but it wasn’t an acceptable solution for me at the time. But I do want her to understand that a deep commitment needs to be made before she makes a step such as living together.

An engagement is one such step. And to her 6 year-old mind, we are already married. She thinks that we’re having a “ball” where she gets to wear a pretty dress. She doesn’t get that we’re not already married. So with that being said, is there really any harm to it? No, I don’t think that there is.

Some might disagree with me on this. Wait. Let me take that back, some WILL disagree with me on this. And that’s ok. The right to have your own opinion is what makes this place such an awesome place to live. Your opinion doesn’t have to agree with mine, and even if it does bother me that you don’t agree with me, it’ll be ok.

And although it went against what I really wanted to do, all of this was discussed with my ex-husband. (I don’t feel the need to consult with him on many things but as this could have an effect on my daughter, if there was someone to raise a concern then he would be the one that I feel should have a vote in this decision.) And he’s ok with it. He agreed with my points of there needing to be a deeper commitment, and surprisingly he agreed that engagement met that need. Who knew? I was shocked.

So I’m hoping that by sending out this post today, I’ve gotten the last of it off of my chest and I can quit thinking so much about this. I’ve made my decision and hopefully the parental figures will accept it. If not, then it’s only like 10 months until the wedding, and then it’ll be a moot point.

Yeah, I think that I feel better about it already…

Sunday, December 21, 2008

So Many Choices...So Little Time

So I talked a little bit yesterday about my struggle with colors. And to be perfectly honest with you, I’m not sure why this is SUCH a dilemma for me. I talked about that yesterday, but I do feel the pressure to get this one “little” decision under my belt.

I think that there is just so much pressure on me to get SOME decision made before I lose all sense of time here. My project at work happens on January 1st, and my life from pretty much next week until the middle of January will be one wild ride…so I guess knowing that that big deadline is fast approaching, I would like to have some decisions made before then.

Especially one as simple as colors should be…

So maybe you can help me. Why don’t you weigh in on the issue? Has anyone out there seen some really pretty wedding combo colors lately? (And no BH, you own wedding colors don’t count – I was there, I already know how pretty they were!)

You can at least help me narrow it down, so here are your choices:

· Black and Cream – very classic and elegant – throw in a pop of color to offset all the black and cream and we’re good to go
· Chocolate Brown and Cream – this is a newer classic – also very elegant – and once again, a contrasting pop of color will break up the sea of brown and cream

So, cast your vote on the color poll that I've posted to the blog and I’ll know which ones you might help me to select. By the way, if you have another idea, tell me about it in the comments section too, since I'm not blogger-savvy enough to know how to add a blank voting spot...

Thanks for your help!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Color Police...9-1-1...HELP!!!

I’m not really sure why I’m struggling so hard with this decision…I cannot pick out a color theme for the wedding!


The main thing is that I go back and forth…between WAY too many choices. When I first started thinking about my vision of my perfect wedding, it was brown all the way. A deep, rich chocolate sort of brown paired with a nice ivory. Choosing one more accent color would be easy.

Then my fiancé wasn’t too keen on the idea of a chocolate brown tux…

So my vision shifter to black and ivory. Elegant and classic, so I REALLY like that. Especially if you pick one more accent color that will make a nice pop. But what color. I’m partial to a pink or purple, but not really sure that it works for me.

The problem is that there aren’t any colors that I don’t like. It would be easy if there were shades of color that I absolutely don’t like. Or if I had an absolute favorite, then I would know that I had to incorporate that one color and build the rest around it. Orange is my least favorite color, but I’ve even seen it done in ways that I love! There are just TOO many options…brown…black…cream…sage green…violet blue…magenta…red/crimson…plum…lemony yellow…

Then not to mention there are those color themes…like harvest since we’re thinking fall wedding…or winter colors since it might be cool enough at the end of October or early November when we’re thinking of doing this…or what about peaceful and relaxing colors that soothe and calm the soul? I like that thought too! And looking at pictures isn’t helping – I like them ALL!

What’s a girl to do? And my fiancé is a trooper. He doesn’t really care. He wants me to have whatever I want, even if that means pink or purple. As long as I don’t expect him to actually wear pink or purple…

I know that I do want cream for one of the colors, since my dress with not be white-white. So yea me! I’ve picked one! Yeah, the easiest one of all to pick! Yikes!

And is it just me being irrational to think that you can’t really do much more than this for planning purposes on your wedding until you get the color scheme down? I don’t think so. I think that colors set the tone, mood and sometimes feel for the overall wedding, so I really can’t move on further with planning until I can get this decided! Yikes!

Help! Color scheme 9-1-1 please!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Dealing with a B for a Boss....

Have you ever had someone dislike you and you’re really not sure why? I have that with my old boss. Luckily, I don’t have to deal with her much anymore, but she can still get under my skin. Here’s a brief history from my perspective.

When I started working at my current job, there were only two accounting people in the offices, and those two people were just swamped with work. Shortly after I started working there, another lady – BFFL – started working there and we became very close. The controller that we reported to was relieved to finally have the quality help (if I do say so myself) that she needed, but envious at the same time of the bond that she saw between the other lady and myself. At times off and on, she would try to fit in, but she’s just not like us. There are so many things that make her different, but I’ll try to sum it up for you. We’re nice, she’s not. We’re helpful, she’s lazy. We work VERY hard, she does as little as possible and takes all the credit. We’re good at biting our tongues and not saying hateful things, she regularly let loose both verbally and physically throwing things on our desks.

Basically….she’s a B and we’re just not. And a person can only take so much of that, right? So before long, BFFL and I are complaining to her manager about her antics. He assures us that he’ll talk with her and resolve the situation. But one of two things always happened. #1) he never talked with her or #2) he would talk with her and she would then turn on the water works in front of him pleading for help, and then later take out her anger on us even worse. So if those are your only two options, you eventually quit complaining.

Luckily for both BFFL and I, we’ve moved on. Our old boss is still here, but is retiring soon, and let me assure you that there is not a single sad heart in that office – we’re ALL counting down the days until she leaves, not just her! Both BFFL and I have received promotions and now answer to other people, so we’re better off in the long run. Sometimes biting your tongue does pay off!

So you would think that the situation would improve, right? Nope. She’s just as nasty as ever. And it’s really gotten worse. It’s gotten so bad that I can’t hardly say anything to her now and not have her jump down my throat about something. The difference? I don’t have to take it anymore. I can simply walk away and let someone else deal with her, since she can’t fire me anymore.

But it still rubs me the wrong way, to be perfectly honest. I didn’t do anything to deserve that type of treatment. I worked for her for three miserable years, some days just hating the fact that I had to go to work. I gave her my best effort, and there were the occasional days that she was nice and cared about me and my family and what was going on in my personal life. Granted, they were few and far between, but still they were there. And I think that I’m a nice person generally, so I just can’t get my head around the fact that someone could just be that hateful. Most days, I’m able to just write her off, but other days she can still get to me. I just can’t understand why a person would treat someone else that way. My head understands that it’s just the way that she is, it’s in her chemical make-up to be a B. But the emotional side of me still struggles with her relentless and so obvious digs that she continues to make against me to other people.

Like when my fiancé and I got engaged. (I promise to share that story with you all soon!) It happened on a Thursday night, and we were in a training class all day long on Friday, so weren’t at the office the next day. We both work at the same place, so we’ve tried to keep our personal lives out of the office as much as possible. It’s almost impossible, but we try. The following Saturday night was our company Christmas party, and most people noticed the rockin’ engagement ring that I was newly sporting. I have to admit that I was proud to show it off and Mr. Cotton Candy was quick to keep introducing me around as his fiancé. (He really liked saying the word – too cute!)

But we didn’t go around to every single table. We didn’t make a point of talking about it unless the other person brought it up. And it’s not as if it was the only topic of conversation. There are over 100 employees at our location, so with spouses and all in attendance, there was plenty else to talk about. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t seek out my old boss. The less that I have to talk to her, the better, and I counted myself lucky that I didn’t have to talk to her all night long.

So the other day in the office, my fiancé was making copies at the office and my old boss came right up to him. They made small talk for a minute and then she got around to congratulating him on our engagement. But being the B that she is, she didn’t just stop there. She had to be her true self and add on, “since I was the LAST one to find out” real snotty like. Now, if she had just said congratulations, no big deal and we’ll say thank you. But no, she had to let her true colors show. Seriously?!? You hate me that much?!? I don’t get it.

But my fiancé came to my rescue again. Not that he’s not nice like me and BFFL, he is. Totally. But he also doesn’t put up with crap like I will. So he turns around, looks her straight in the eye, and says something to the effect of that our personal business is our personal business. It wasn’t intentional for her to be the last to find out, but that it wasn’t like we went table to table at the Christmas party to announce it all to everyone. It’s our business bottom line.

She backed down. WAY down. Came back to him with a meek little “All I meant to say was congratulations.”

Did I forget to mention that he is a Marine? Big and tough and manly….intimidating when he’s upset….yeah, he’s all of those things. YEA ME!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

High Praise...

I have to admit it….I’m hooked. I LOVE blogging. I wasn’t sure if I would like it or not, but I L-O-V-E it!!! (If I could do cartwheels or something to mark the occasion, I would, but trust me it wouldn’t be a pretty sight to see this lady fall down and hurt herself.)

My fiancé paid me a high compliment last night. He told me that I was a regular Carrie.

Now, for those of you lost somewhere in the Stone Age, that would be Carrie Bradshaw of Sex in the City – the famous journalist with a style all her own and an important column in the paper in NYC. For everyone else in the world who knew immediately what he meant, I’m sure you can understand why I’d be so flattered.

If you can’t understand, then please allow me to try to explain.

You see…I wasn’t really sure about telling him that I was doing a blog. It wasn’t that I wanted to keep something like this a secret from him – Lord knows that everything that I write about has already been discussed with him in detail. So it wasn’t a matter of hiding something from him out of not wanting him to know what I was doing. It was more of an embarrassment factor.

Is that odd to have? I was a little embarrassed to tell him about it in the first place, I didn’t want him reading it right there in front of me, and I thought that he might think that it was silly. And since I didn’t really know (and still don’t) what direction I would take with the blog, I wasn’t sure that he could read everything that I was writing. I mean, if a girl wants to write about her wedding dress, her future husband can’t be reading about it, much less looking at the pictures that said girl might be posting on the blog, right? Right. So when I told him about the blog, I told him that if he ever came upon a post that instructed him not to read it, that I would ask him to respect that and promise not to sneak a peek.

He immediately assured me that he didn’t need to read my blog at all, unless I wanted him to read it. He understood that I might need an avenue to vent and get things off of my chest that deal with my frustrations with him directly, and that he didn’t need to read my blog. Since I sometimes explain things in my head that don’t end up getting said out loud, I immediately started telling him that I wanted him to read my blog. So now, the poor guy is confused. Some crazy lady is sitting in the middle of Wendy’s telling him that she’s blogging now and that she wants him to read it, unless it tells him not to read it. Then we he offers to do the gentlemanly thing and not read it at all so that it’s a private journal so to speak for me, the same crazy lady gets all upset that he won’t read it now. I mean, really. What’s a guy to do?

I, being the crazy lady in Wendy’s, was luckily able to remember that I had failed to mention or fully explain the WHY behind not reading my blog. Once I rectified that, we were on the same page. And being the gentleman that he is, my fiancé totally makes the grand gesture to only read my blog if I instruct him to do so.

So then I had to come clean about the truth of the matter. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to read my blog. I need him to read it. I want him to see this creative expression of myself and still love me anyway. I want to know that it’s ok to be a little neurotic about things, or insecure about myself, and to get that reassurance back from someone whose opinion I value more than any other.

And he came through in spades, didn’t he ladies? Me? Being compared to Carrie? I’m truly honored. (And SO totally blessed to have a guy that even KNOWS who Carrie is, or that she writes an article in the show!)

Back off ladies….he’s taken! Thank you for the high praise, babe. I am the lucky one!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

A Place Where a Kid Can Be A Kid...

Sometimes it’s fun to be a kid.

Do you ever look back on those carefree days when you were a kid? You didn’t have anything more to worry about than your future plans for Saturday night. You didn’t worry about rent/mortgage, bills to pay, time off of work, etc. At the time, all you wanted to do was grow up and be your own person – get out of wherever you were and start doing things on your own. Never did it cross your mind that there would be a time when things like having to be at work each and every day just to pay the bills would stink. Never in a million years did you think about how expensive buying new clothes was. Your parents covered all of those things. You didn’t think about how much it cost to go out and eat pizza for a family of four, you asked for more $$ for the arcade.

Now as an adult, I see things differently. I think about how much it costs to go to Gattitown because it’s not just the buffet that’s expensive but all of the games. And if you give one child $10 for video games (which really doesn’t go that far, believe me!) then you have to give each of them $10. It’s those types of things that add up over time.

Man, did I have it easy as a kid!

So, sometimes, it’s fun to go back to those carefree days of being a kid. That’s what my fiancé and I did this weekend. For an early Christmas present, I took him to Six Flags Holiday in the Park on Saturday. We had a great set of friends donate their unused, extra tickets to us – thanks BH – and we headed off to be kids again. Without our own kids! I know, that might seem mean to some of your parents out there, but let me tell you, we had a blast.

We were able to ride the rides that WE wanted to ride, eat the food that we wanted to eat, do whatever we wanted to do. As a parent, there are a lot of times that you give up what you want to do in favor of doing whatever it is that your kids want to do. And that’s ok – that’s part of being a parent. But I have to admit, with an evil little grin on my face, that it was SO much fun to be a kid again! We ate junk food all day long, and I didn’t even think about how unhealthy it was to have that second funnel cake at the end of the night when I couldn’t find any cotton candy…

Now, I’ll also be honest and say that there were more than a few times that we looked around and thought of how much that we missed the kids. Or how much they would enjoy whatever it was that we were seeing or doing at that moment. But we didn’t miss them that much…

There has been a lot of heavy stuff with work and personal lives going on right now for both my fiancé and myself. So this day was like stealing a little slice of pie out of the fridge when Mom wasn’t looking. We didn’t tell many people where we were going or what we were doing – we just went and did it. And it was just what the doctor ordered! We both felt refreshed and relieved to be away from everything else for a while. It was nice to go out and play and ride roller coasters over and over again until I had to call a break to walk around and lose the queasy feeling…

Then again, it wasn’t totally like being a kid. Mom and Dad weren’t there to pay for my food….

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Rearranged Dreams...

Has anyone out there ever started planning your perfect day – your wedding day – only to have something happen to make it totally out of whack? So much so that you just have to go back to the main drawing board and start again?

That happened to me last night. I’ll tell you about it…

My parents seemed to be excited about my new engagement. My fiancé and I live about 4 hours away from my family, so it’s not as if they know him on the level that I know him, but we make the attempt to visit with them and give them that opportunity. So when he asked them for my hand, they all agreed. Some gave advice, and some didn’t – that’s just my parents. (They have been divorced since I was a small child, and have both remarried – he had two sets of parents to talk with.)

But when we got engaged, it was more a formality in my mind. To me, we’d been talking about the wedding that we wanted and how we wanted to do things for the last three months. I hadn’t really talked too much with my family about these things so that he would have the opportunity to ask for my hand without them knowing that we’d already been talking about it. So, pretty much, I need to give them time to catch up.

But the whole time in the last two or three months that we’ve been looking for venues and vendors and deciding what we wanted to have for our wedding, I’ve had this image in the back of my head on how this all would go down. My family would be excited for me, and my mom and step-mom would get involved in the planning aspect of things. At least to go dress shopping with me and maybe be there to help me pick out colors and flowers and that type of thing.

So imagine my surprise when I get a tepid response from my mom when I asked her about having friends to invite to the wedding. She said no. And she didn’t just say no, she said NO. I was taken aback and kinda confused, but I didn’t say anything other than ok. I got off the phone with her and went about my business. But it bugged me. It sat in the back of my head and bugged me all night long. And for most of the next day.

So by the time that my fiancé came and got me for dinner, I had worked myself up all kinds of ways. I laid it out on the table with him to get his opinion. (He’s absolutely my best friend in the world and I trust what he says and value his opinion.) He encouraged me to call my mom and talk things over.

When I worked up the courage to do that, sometimes a girl needs a little pep talk first, I called and talked to her about us picking a date for the wedding (still not decided on that one) and her opinion of it. She started asking some questions and even wanted the website of the venue that we were looking at doing the shin-dig at and I had pretty much convinced myself that I was wrong. That I had just caught her on an off night or just totally misread things. But me being anal me, I had to ask the question to be sure. (Are there ever times you wish that you’d just shut up?)

Her answer was that even though she was happy for me and excited for me, she was old fashioned in her beliefs and let’s be honest here, this was my third wedding. One just doesn’t do a big wedding for the third one. She didn’t have any friends that she wanted to come to it, since it was my third. She went on to say that most of her friends now didn’t know me and she didn’t think that they would want to travel the 4 hours to see someone that they didn’t know get married. She was nice about it all, but pretty much she told me that she thought that it was tacky that I was having a big wedding on my third marriage. It’s just not done.

And my dreams were crushed. The vision in my mind of us dress shopping and asking her opinion on this color vs. that color or helping with the centerpieces just swirled around and around and around the delete tank in my mind until they disappeared. They are gone and that never will be. As I sat back and thought about it, I cried. And not just little tears, but great big wrenching sobs. My mom’s approval means a lot to me, and she pretty much told me that I didn’t have it.

It’s disappointing, but nothing that I can’t work around. Despite how she might feel on the subject, my fiancé and I BOTH want a big wedding. Neither one of us had happy last marriages, including the actual wedding ceremony, and we want that. We truly want to have our friends and family around to support us and cheer us on as we make this step in our lives. We’re not old, we’re both in our very early 30’s, so this is a big step for us. Since we both have been married before, we’re not asking anyone other than ourselves to pay for this, so if this is what we want then it’s what we want. And I’m happy with my decision to press on. And feel truly blessed that when faced with this crying girl that wasn’t even making sense while she tried to explain what just happened, my fiancé scooped me up and sat me in his lap so that I could be held while I cried. When the tears stopped and I was able to explain without the sobs, he hugged me and said that it would be ok. That he would be right by my side and help me do the flowers….he’s a gem of a guy!

But the little girl inside of me is still sad to lose the person that I wanted most by my side during this process….

Has anyone out there had to re-arrange or cope with a new theory on how to do something like this without that one person that you wanted to be involved in it with you?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Know Thyself...

Someone recently said to me that I didn’t know who I was. Since it came from a family member, I was a little perturbed at the thought. Did I know me? Was God up there somewhere looking down and having a great laugh at my obvious oblivion to now knowing me? And the more burning question of if I didn’t know myself then did I really know anybody else?

I know that these are big questions. They are things that I struggle with. I struggle because I know that in my past, there have been times that I haven’t been myself. I don’t think that I’m the only person that struggles with these things, or has become less of themselves in the past in order to please someone else. I think that for the most part, this is a common thing among us, so it lead to me writing about it.

I’ll admit something to you. If you’ve read my brief bio, then you know that I mention a fiancé. That’s right, I’m engaged. But what isn’t in that brief bio is that this isn’t my first time to be engaged. I’ve been married before….twice. Yep, this will be my third trip down the aisle. Most days, I’m not ashamed of this fact. The first one happened when I was VERY young, and didn’t really know any better. I was just figuring out who I was, let alone who this person was that I was married to – it’s not really gonna take a rocket scientist to figure out why that one didn’t work out. Since we both walked away with minimal damage and no children, there are days that I don’t even count that one.

My second marriage is a different story. I made a grave mistake when I decided to get married, and I married for reasons other than the right ones. There were other circumstances surrounding my decision to marry again, and they clouded my judgment. Basically, I don’t know WHAT I was thinking! But then again, I’m not alone in this either – we’ve all done things that we wonder how the heck did that happen? The difference is that I had a child with this man, a beautiful child that I cherish more than my own life. And for that reason, when I realized my mistake, I couldn’t just walk away.

And because I stayed, I let myself go. No, I didn’t get all big and gross without fixing my hair or doing my make-up. I let myself go emotionally. I quit caring about who I was and who he was and how he treated me. I told myself that it was ok that I couldn’t see me, the real me, anymore in the mirror – that that’s just what happens as you grow up and mature. You become a different person, and I told myself that it was ok.

Luckily for me, and for my daughter, there was a day when I realized my own self worth again. There did come a day when I broke away from the bad relationship that I was in. There came a day when I realized that I did deserve to be treated better and that I missed myself. That I was a good person.

Since that day, I’ve spent over a year in therapy and the last two full years finding me again. Being happy with who I am, the person that I’ve become and being proud of the things that I can accomplish on my own. I have to admit it….I like me. And that’s a good thing!

So when someone comes up to you after all of that hard work and says that they don’t think that you know who you are, what do you do with that?

Me, being the nice person that I am, listened patiently to this person attempt to make her point. I like to think on the positive side of things, and I choose to believe that the things that she said to me, although causing me some pain, came about because she cares about me and what happens to me. I know, I know. That’s a totally Pollyanna approach to life, but when you’re faced with something like this, I only see two choices. Do what I did and listen patiently and try to take what they’re saying to heart and at the same time comment back politely about why you think they’re wrong….or kill the bitch.

I took the road less traveled. We’re family after all….

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Wedding Bee Wanna "Bee"

Yes, it’s true. I’m a wedding bee wanna “bee”, pun totally intended. I heart the website. It is the best wedding website that I have found yet, and like I mentioned before, I can barely start my day now without reading over the prior days’ posts by the bees. The site is completely dedicated to weddings – wedding ideas, wedding issues, DIY projects, samples, vendors, sharing your frustrations and your joys. And if you’re a soon-to-be bride who intends to DIY a lot of your wedding-related projects it’s a treasure-trove of ideas.

I wasn’t officially engaged until last week, but my fiancé and I have been talking about what we want at our wedding for the last three months. So a friend of mine, the same one that encouraged me to start blogging – thanks BH – turned me onto this great website and I have just been green with envy the last three months.

Not only was I envious of these “famous” girls who are so glamorous and get to blog and become bees (apparently there is quite a process involved in becoming a bee) for doing something that I secretly wanted to do – but they were also engaged. A state of contentment that I WANTED to be in, but wasn’t QUITE in the inner circle of yet. Yes, there are things that you can search and plan and do prior to your guy popping the big question. But honestly, they are limited.

You can start your search for color schemes, center piece ideas, and crafty projects that ultimately build the overall theme/feel of your wedding. And you can start your vendor search for bakeries, photographers, and venue locations. But if you actually call any of those people before the official engagement has occurred, trust me, they think that you’re a little bit crazy. I know what I’m talking about. I’ll never be able to call that one venue again….ever. Good thing that they ended up being a little on the pricey side. J

So, now you know a little bit more about me. I’m a wedding bee wanna “bee” and proud of it. I’m actually a little more excited about just a normal blog so that I’m not tied down to wedding-related blogs. Because trust me, there is a whole wealth of useless informational trivia in my head, and I can’t wait to share it all with YOU!

Miss Cotton Candy

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My very first blog....kinda like baby steps

OK - - welcome to my world. Allright, I do realize that I've technically got that backwards. In reality, I've come into your world, but just go with me for a minute here and pretend that you've come into my world. That's a little more comfortable for me.

You might have guessed it by now, but if you haven't already guessed it I'm a newbie to blogging. I have to admit that I've been a closet-follower of a wedding blog for about three months now, and I'll admit it - I'm hooked! Like a coffee junkie that can't start the day without that first cup o' Joe, I can't hardly start my day without reading the daily posts from the prior day.

And since the first step of any problem or addiction is admitting that you have a problem. But this is not a problem that I need to get rid of, it's something that I'd like to persue. Secretly, I'm envious of the women who write these blogs everyday sharing a little piece of their life with strangers each and every day. I want to try it....I've dreamt of it....but I'm scared. So I took the first step today and admitted my problem with a friend today. She encouraged me to try a blog and see if I liked it - kinda like when you're a kid and your parents encourage you to try those brussel sprouts that you might like it...I took a deep breath and have jumped in with both feet.

So please be patient with me while I learn what this fascinating process of blogging is all about. Remember what it was like when you first started and be kind. I'm a quick study, a fast learner and hope to be a blogging pro in no time at all!

See you soon!