The Fears of an Encore...

There are things that an encore bride goes through that are either similar or the exact same thing that a new bride goes through. Planning the wedding, picking out your dream dress, working on projects…these are all things that most brides go through. And it’s not just the fun stuff that both types of brides go through, there are also bad times and fears to work through. As a new bride, I think what was most fearful with me was the unknown. This was something new to me, and I wasn’t sure how to do it and succeed, but I had no doubt in my mind that success would follow the love that I felt.

This is where the paths of a new bride and an encore bride tend to differ. As an encore bride, the fears are not of the unknown this time around…they are the fears of the known. Even if you don’t know exactly why your past marriage failed, you still know that it failed. You know that you were married before and for whatever reason, the marriage didn’t work out. Whether any of the fault lies with you or not, it’s still a failure. Even though your friends and family and possibly even your therapist encourage you not to see it that way, it’s next to impossible not to feel that way. So when you work up the courage to re-marry…those fears go with you.

As I get closer and closer to my wedding date, those fears seem to consume me sometimes. Will I make the same mistakes that I made before? Or did I really learn something from my past? That is the point of the past and making mistakes, to learn from them, right? But what if I didn’t learn from them? What if I do the same thing again?

Even as I type this post, I know how irrational I sound. I know that I’m not the same person that I was then, and I know in my heart that I did learn something…that I have grown as a person since those times. Even better, the other person in the equation is different. So very different. There aren’t many things that are the same thing, except for me being in both relationships.

Is this normal? I ask because I don’t remember feeling this way the last time. I understand that there were other circumstances contributing to my last marriage, but still I was certain that I was different. That the same mistakes wouldn’t happen again. And for that matter, I was right. He was worse. Which isn’t really any better. But in the end, a divorce still happened.

So here I am, two months before my wedding, worried about my past coming back to haunt me in some form or fashion. I can only hope and pray that what I know to be true is actually true…that I am a different person. That I will not make the same mistakes that I made in the past. That this person that I am choosing to be my partner through life is a better choice for me and my child. That all of the things that I hope and dream for will come true this time.

I’m sorry. I know that this post was a bit of a downer. I didn’t mean for it to be. When I started this blog, I wanted to write about my experience as an encore bride…which includes the ups and the downs. This is something that I think encores deal with, or at least it’s something that THIS encore is dealing with…therefore it made the blog.

Please tell me that I’m not alone in my fears. Encores – what are you doing to help with times like this?

A Bride…Again

When I first started making plans for this wedding…WAY before there was an engagement ring or anything, I noticed that I really worried what other people would think. Not so much the type of thing like “I can’t believe she picked the color eggplant!” but more along the lines of “I can’t believe SHE’S having an actual wedding…again!”

I really struggled with this topic of conversation, and spent countless hours stressing myself out about it. And let me be clear here, I was really the ONLY person worried about it. Mr. CC is so calm, cool and collected about things – his take on it was that if we wanted a wedding and were willing to pay for it, then who cares what everyone else thinks. Oh, to be so free. To be so open and uncaring. Most of the time, I can admit to being that carefree about things, but this is one thing that I was unsure of.

It took several months of planning, dreaming and talking about what we would do, how we would do things, and what was important to us for me to become comfortable with the idea of a big wedding. (Not that 150 guests is all THAT big, but it’s nothing to scoff at!) Maybe it’s just easier for guys than for girls…they’re tough and hardy and girls are supposed to be sensitive and caring. I didn’t want people to look down on me or us for planning a wedding when it was not our first wedding.

I’m proud to say that in the end, after several agonizing weeks and LOTS of conversations with the Mister, I came to terms with it. This is what I want. This is what we want. I don’t really care if you (stranger) think that it’s presumptuous of me to have a wedding when it isn’t my first. That’s more your own problem, than mine to deal with. I have enough on my plate…DIY projects, meeting my budget, not going crazy doing this while working full-time.

As I started reading wedding blogs and searching for ideas and inspiration (every bride’s favorite pastime activity) I realized that there truly is a shortage of brides out there coming right out in the open about second or third or fourth marriages and actual weddings. Yes, people re-marry. But many people (it seems) don’t talk openly about it. It’s somewhat taboo. I applaud sites like weddingbee.com that actually dedicates a section of their boards to what they term “encore brides.” This encourages me that there are others out there like me. And weddingbee also features a bride (or two I found out today!) that IS an actual encore bride who spotlights her second time around. This gives me hope that I’m not totally against the grain here.

But when it comes down to it, who cares if I am totally against the grain? I don’t. Like I said earlier, this is what I want, this is what Mr. CC wants, and we’re SO excited to be planning our wedding. Who cares if we’ve been down this road before? We don’t. Luckily for us, things are different this time around or else we wouldn’t be where we are. And maybe having this unique perspective on things allows us to focus on what we know is really important this time around. Yes, I want a gorgeous wedding…but without the love that we share beneath it all, it’s just a big party.

With all of that being said, there are still moments that I look up and wonder what the H*%K I’m thinking. Like when my dad called to talk one night and I mentioned something about him walking me down the aisle. He didn’t mean anything by his response…but he literally said “Again?!?” Yes, Dad. Again. Please. It would mean a great deal to me. Even though I’ve made my peace with my decision, there are still moments that I question it all. Luckily for me, I’ve got a GREAT groom who picks up my spirits, turns my frown upside-down and makes me remember why all of this is SO important to me.

Are there other “encore brides” out there who struggle with these issues too? Are you doing something like writing about your experience on a blog? Comment below if you are, I’d LOVE to chat! And I would LOVE to follow another brides’ blog about her wedding experience.