Friday, August 21, 2009

The Fears of an Encore...

There are things that an encore bride goes through that are either similar or the exact same thing that a new bride goes through. Planning the wedding, picking out your dream dress, working on projects…these are all things that most brides go through. And it’s not just the fun stuff that both types of brides go through, there are also bad times and fears to work through. As a new bride, I think what was most fearful with me was the unknown. This was something new to me, and I wasn’t sure how to do it and succeed, but I had no doubt in my mind that success would follow the love that I felt.

This is where the paths of a new bride and an encore bride tend to differ. As an encore bride, the fears are not of the unknown this time around…they are the fears of the known. Even if you don’t know exactly why your past marriage failed, you still know that it failed. You know that you were married before and for whatever reason, the marriage didn’t work out. Whether any of the fault lies with you or not, it’s still a failure. Even though your friends and family and possibly even your therapist encourage you not to see it that way, it’s next to impossible not to feel that way. So when you work up the courage to re-marry…those fears go with you.

As I get closer and closer to my wedding date, those fears seem to consume me sometimes. Will I make the same mistakes that I made before? Or did I really learn something from my past? That is the point of the past and making mistakes, to learn from them, right? But what if I didn’t learn from them? What if I do the same thing again?

Even as I type this post, I know how irrational I sound. I know that I’m not the same person that I was then, and I know in my heart that I did learn something…that I have grown as a person since those times. Even better, the other person in the equation is different. So very different. There aren’t many things that are the same thing, except for me being in both relationships.

Is this normal? I ask because I don’t remember feeling this way the last time. I understand that there were other circumstances contributing to my last marriage, but still I was certain that I was different. That the same mistakes wouldn’t happen again. And for that matter, I was right. He was worse. Which isn’t really any better. But in the end, a divorce still happened.

So here I am, two months before my wedding, worried about my past coming back to haunt me in some form or fashion. I can only hope and pray that what I know to be true is actually true…that I am a different person. That I will not make the same mistakes that I made in the past. That this person that I am choosing to be my partner through life is a better choice for me and my child. That all of the things that I hope and dream for will come true this time.

I’m sorry. I know that this post was a bit of a downer. I didn’t mean for it to be. When I started this blog, I wanted to write about my experience as an encore bride…which includes the ups and the downs. This is something that I think encores deal with, or at least it’s something that THIS encore is dealing with…therefore it made the blog.

Please tell me that I’m not alone in my fears. Encores – what are you doing to help with times like this?

1 comment:

  1. thanks so much for the sweet comments and I'm glad you finally commented after the weeks of looking :)

    congratulations on your upcoming marriage... and not that my advice means anything... but totally just have fun with this one :) Live every moment and savor every part of this planning (even if it is your 2nd one) It all went by so fast for me in my planning stage and it was some of the best times of my life.

    Thank you for being so open on your blog... I had to take that giant leap not too long ago :)

    Have a great weekend!