Wednesday, February 11, 2009

How do you correct what you don’t know how to fix?

This is a question that I’ve been asking myself lately. You see, there are times when couples argue. There are times when couples fight. There are always times when two people who are their own individuals don’t get along. This is to be expected, and should be not great shock when it happens.

What is shocking is when it continues to happen over and over….only not with the same two people. What if it kept happening with whoever you were with? What if eventually each partner that you’ve spent a decent amount of time in a relationship with complains about the same thing?

Sure, when you first break-up you can blame it on the other person. You might even be able to rationalize those actions when the second partner that makes the same argument. But after the third one? Who’s kidding herself now? I guess that would be me, party of one.

I think what is so hard for me to wrap my head around is the fact that I spent about a year in therapy after the end of my last marriage. There were many reasons for this. My ex had done a good number on me (verbally/mentally/emotionally) and there were some definite scars and wounds that needed healing. And I needed the help of a professional to get those healed. Another reason that I went the route of therapy was due to my own wish that I not repeat my past mistakes. A mistake is often a learning experience…you make the mistake, you live with the consequences, all the while hoping that you’ve learned your lesson so that the next time that you get the same opportunity you make better choices and don’t get back to the same place where you were.

Do you know what I mean?

So how is it that after nearly two years of blissful happiness, I’m faced once again with the same argument that others have given me? I did my time, I struggled through the hard therapy. I took the truthful look inside myself, accepted my faults for what they were and vowed to work on them. I did the labor, dealt with the grief, and moved on. I made myself a better person. A more loving person, someone that someone else would want to be with…

And yet now, right at this moment, I feel like I’m right back where I started from…I feel like all the work got washed away and forgotten, as if it was on a chalkboard and the janitor came by one day when I wasn’t looking and cleaned the slate. In some cases this would be a good thing. But in my case, I don’t really feel that way. I feel that the sneaky janitor didn’t wash it all off and give me a clean slate to start with…I feel like he washed off all of my hard work and notes that I took to help me not make those same mistakes again…which leaves me bare and empty-handed.

Damn that janitor!!! What did I do to him to make this happen?

Is it all just stress? Is it all just in my head? Am I making myself crazy with all of this wedding business? Is it work-related and once things calm down with my projects at work and I get on firm footing again with my job some of this will magically disappear? Am I just taking on too much at a time? I mean, in one month, I wrapped a big project at work, I moved out of my apartment and in with my fiancé, I started focusing on a new project at work, and started planning a wedding with almost no help or support from those that I care about the most? Is it just emotional trauma? Am I letting the problems that others might have with my situation get the best of me and kill my mood and confidence in myself and my sense of purpose?

Where did I take the wrong turn? Does anyone else ever lose their footing every once in a while? Does this mean that I have to start all over (to some degree) or did I just lose the path today? Maybe tomorrow will be a better day…

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